fool…

I’ve been in love so many times, thought I knew the score. But now you’ve treated me so wrong, I can’t take anymore… And it looks like, I’m never going to fall in love again….

 I’ve been a fool so many times. Somehow the words of a Tom Jones song just keep coming into my head. How poignant.

 His words keep reveberating in my brain….

“I’m only dating her, I’m not going to marry her. If I was going to marry her, it’d be different.”

I could not believe my ears, what I was hearing. At that moment, everything, in my mind at least, stood still. My heart stopped, tears were forming… But I could not cry, I could not react. All I could do was smile. We were with friends. I’m suppposed to be the nonchalant type. Nothing’s suppposed to be able to throw a wrench into my gears. And yet, I couldnt think. I could hardly breathe. Why did it affect me so much? I’ve always, always said I’m not ready. But that moment, I realised I was. I’ve been ready for so long. To meet his family, to wake up next to him in the morning, to be by his side at night when he falls asleep, to be there with his coffee when he comes out of the shower in the morning. And it wasn’t just that. I was ready for all of it. The good and the bad. I knew I was ready to be by his side when there were problems.

I must have opened myself up too much. Let my heart go too easily. I tend to do that. I’m too trusting, too naive. One of my friends said to me once, “I’m not sure he’s entirely good for you… but then, I’m not sure you’ll be happier without him.” That’s been my thought for so long, but someone finally said it.

We have an open relationship… but if he were going to marry me, it would be different apparently. He’d care more I guess. Once, in a drunken stupor, I kissed another guy. It bugged me and I had to tell him. But it didn’t faze him at all. He was “ok” with it. How can you be ok with it? Not jealous, not annoyed, not angry? Of course.. IF he was going to marry me, then he’d be jealous? I’m not sure anymore…

 What I do know is this…

I’ve never met his family. He’s already a small part of mine.

I get upset if he held another girl in his arms… He doesn’t really care if I kiss someone else.

I celebrate his birthday. He almost forgot mine.

If I know I’m going to see him, I arrange my schedule accordingly. Even if he’s made plans with me, he’d still ditch them if something better came along.

I’d spend my last cent on him if it would make him happy. He’d hold his last hundred, even if I said I had nothing left.

Like I said, I’ve been a fool. But I’ve fallen so deep, I don’t think I can come out on my own now.

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