Some things will never, ever ever change. An old dog never changes its tricks, blue cheese will always stink and indians will always be the best drinkers around.. no, some things will never change.

Despite repeated promises of reform, upgrading, change, a new beginning, you will, undoubtedly, find yourself at the very point where you were just before the promise of change, wondering, for the umpteenth time, why you waited around for the promise of a change that will never take root.

Does change take time? maybe so, but will there be change, if, just after the promise of it, the old patterns, the old ways, the old habits show their ugly head? only now, they come with an acknowledgment that, yes a promise was made, but just one more time… why not start now, instead of using one more “get out of jail” card? why destroy the faith and belief in that promise that could have carried you further, brought hope… peace even….

Some things will never change, no matter how hard you push. is the option then, to live with it? or to leave it and never look back on the fabled harbringer of change?

In the space of one weekend, I found out that 3 of my friends are getting married …. 2 are getting married next year in June. They’re all planning their weddings, decorating their houses, etc…

I’m happy for them. I’m glad to see that life is moving on for some people…

Yes, basket, here we fucking go again….

 J’s right. What the fuck am i holding on to? one day I’m happy. one day i’m sad… happy, sad…. fucking roller coaster ride… as J would say “na bei”…..

 something’s happening soon, something that I am really excited about… i want him to be there, to support me. yet, he’s “torn”.. you see, he can’t come because he only has one or two days leave left.. he spent most of it holidaying with his family in canada… a family that does not even know i exist.. and if they know, they pretend not to know i exist, because well, let’s face it, i’m not the right fucking race i think…..

anyway, he is torn because he wants to go back and spend the festive time with his family… am i being unreasonable? you think so? let me just tell you this….i have not asked anything of him in all the two years we’ve been together…. never ever have i asked him to give up something for me. i have not asked him to buy me anything, though i have bought him l0ts. i have not imposed conditions on him, even though i can think of a few thousand fucking things that i could impose conditions on….

 all i ask now… the first time i’m ever asking him for something where he has to make a sacrifice for me (small feat considering how many i’ve made for him!!)… all i ask is that he come for that thing i am so excited about. why cant he just choose me once… just once.

I really don’t know what I am in this for… feels like i’m being pulled down by a heavy weight….. fuck….

I’ve been in love so many times, thought I knew the score. But now you’ve treated me so wrong, I can’t take anymore… And it looks like, I’m never going to fall in love again….

 I’ve been a fool so many times. Somehow the words of a Tom Jones song just keep coming into my head. How poignant.

 His words keep reveberating in my brain….

“I’m only dating her, I’m not going to marry her. If I was going to marry her, it’d be different.”

I could not believe my ears, what I was hearing. At that moment, everything, in my mind at least, stood still. My heart stopped, tears were forming… But I could not cry, I could not react. All I could do was smile. We were with friends. I’m suppposed to be the nonchalant type. Nothing’s suppposed to be able to throw a wrench into my gears. And yet, I couldnt think. I could hardly breathe. Why did it affect me so much? I’ve always, always said I’m not ready. But that moment, I realised I was. I’ve been ready for so long. To meet his family, to wake up next to him in the morning, to be by his side at night when he falls asleep, to be there with his coffee when he comes out of the shower in the morning. And it wasn’t just that. I was ready for all of it. The good and the bad. I knew I was ready to be by his side when there were problems.

I must have opened myself up too much. Let my heart go too easily. I tend to do that. I’m too trusting, too naive. One of my friends said to me once, “I’m not sure he’s entirely good for you… but then, I’m not sure you’ll be happier without him.” That’s been my thought for so long, but someone finally said it.

We have an open relationship… but if he were going to marry me, it would be different apparently. He’d care more I guess. Once, in a drunken stupor, I kissed another guy. It bugged me and I had to tell him. But it didn’t faze him at all. He was “ok” with it. How can you be ok with it? Not jealous, not annoyed, not angry? Of course.. IF he was going to marry me, then he’d be jealous? I’m not sure anymore…

 What I do know is this…

I’ve never met his family. He’s already a small part of mine.

I get upset if he held another girl in his arms… He doesn’t really care if I kiss someone else.

I celebrate his birthday. He almost forgot mine.

If I know I’m going to see him, I arrange my schedule accordingly. Even if he’s made plans with me, he’d still ditch them if something better came along.

I’d spend my last cent on him if it would make him happy. He’d hold his last hundred, even if I said I had nothing left.

Like I said, I’ve been a fool. But I’ve fallen so deep, I don’t think I can come out on my own now.

More tributes, albeit older ones, to you teddy bear….

- he takes the good and the bad

- the perfect man

I’ve been mean and unkind. Doing nothing but complain about my dear sweet man. I must, at the onset, admit that the past few days with him have been nothing short of difficult. We’ve had small little arguments, misunderstandings, clashing of minds, the works. All culminated in the epic battle on Saturday that lasted all day and resulted in a night of drunken stupor for both of us, separately… Thus the last post.

We just spent many incredible hours together; talking, arguing, laughing, everything. We thrashed things out again and voiced our fears. And he came thru again, like he always does. That’s why its so hard to give up on him.\

To be fair to him, he’s a wonderful man in unusual ways. He treats me with kindness, patience and love. He may regularly do the wrong thing, but his intentions are never bad, although it can sometimes be hard to remember that.

I do wish certain things for him, but I never want him to change the person he is. It’s with him that I’ve learnt to be kinder, more tolerant. My outlook and who I am has changed.  At the same time, I do wish he was a little more financially stable. I also wish he’d be a little more committed in certain ways.

Is he the one? I don’t know. Will he be ready? I don’t know. Will it last forever? I can’t tell. But like my friend, J, said, it’s an investment, if nothing else. If this does become only an investment, it would be the best investment I’ll ever make.

In an absolute state of denial and wondering what I’m supposed to do.

I tried to call but for some reason I can’t get thru. It’s never happened before.  I have never, ever drank myself into darkness but last night I did. Literally, drowned myself into a very deep pool of avarice, anger and wrath. A pool from which I’ll never emerge again.

I’m not even sure what happened. I had to read thru the messages on my phone last night and still I’m not really sure what happened. A part of me wants to go to him. Another part doesn’t want to give in and lose whatever little pride I have left.

I was so sure he’d come last night. So sure he’d show up when he knew where I was. But he never did. He didn’t even call. I kept messaging. And which each message I lost a little self-esteem, a little pride and gained more humility. Now my heart’s broken, my pride down to nought and a huge lesson in humility later, I’d still at square one.

I don’t know what to do, where to go. I want desperately to hear his voice, even if its just going to end up in a fight. At the least, I’ll know he’s there, willing to fight with me. Now there’s just nothing but the engaged tone. Its what I wanted right, for it to be over. Then why am I feeling so empty now?

It’s down to this
I’ve got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I’ve done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

…

I’m over this
I’m tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling’s gone
There’s nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I’ve found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I’m so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I’m so far down, away from the sun again

I can’t do it anymore

I don’t get it. He does not understand anything I say. I have to repeat everything everytime I talk to him. It gets so irritating. Today, it just boils my blood every time I have to repeat something to him. It is so hard to understand me? I talk to the rest of my friends and everyone else fine. Everyone else understand the words coming out of my mouth. Why doesn’t he? It may seem like a small thing. But after a while, you’re wondering, he can’t understand the words I use… mental gap? I’m not saying I’m so smart… Can I take this for the rest of my life? I don’t think so. Its hard when I want to talk to him but know it’s not going in or he doesnt understand what I’m saying. I’m not sure its what I want….

I want to say everything once and not have to repeat. And I want him to understand and say something meaningful to me.

Had a very good evening yesterday with J, other than the hour long wait. A very pure night I must say. Pure annoyance from the wait, pure stupidity from the “astute” waitress, pure and genuine disbelief on my part and pure illogicality from J. All in the confines of the pure room at MOS. Blast it, I’m so corny! 

 THE WAIT: I received an sms last night at 8.12pm. It read “ready to go when you are”. I replied immediately that I was ready. Then I waited and waited and waited.

 Anyway, J finally showed up in his “i-don’t-know-why-its-so-ah-beng” looking car. Picked me up. Went to Clark Quay. After some… no, a lot of walking and deciding, we had dinner and then went to Pure at MOS. His phone had apparently died on him and he had the gall to call me later to ask what happened. I smsed, I called, never go thru.

 THE ASTUTE WAITRESS: Dinner was ok. Had a swine of an astute waitress. We waited at the entrance of the “dinner place”. She said we had to wait in the (non-existant) queue, on the other side of the pavement. Ok, fine, we did that. Except that when we turned around, she was standing right next to us asking us if we mind sharing a table. We didn’t. We walked back across the pavement.

 Nevermind that. There was an empty table right in front of us but we had to share a table with this really weird couple. The girl had unusually big boobs, for one belonging to the race that is rarely endowed such blessings. Unfortunately, hers were NOT a blessing. I think one was higher than the other. But J was quite happy about that. Ugh! Here I sit, across from you with PERFECT boobs and you’re looking at mis-matched ones.. Geez.. (Oh, 36D by the way… perfect no?)

PURE DISBELIEF: Anyway, astute waitress (not!) made us sit there. We eventually moved..but I still can’t get over how stupid she was. Later on, another couple came right in and sat at the empty table. See! We who were so polite kena. That’s what you get for being nice to service staff!

 Ok, I digress. MOS.. Pure. Ladies night…

J had issues to grind and sorrows to drown. Not that he’d listen to the voice of reason… noooo. Plus, he hardly drank enough to even drench his sorrows, much less drown it.

PURE ILLOGICALITY: But listening to J had got me thinking. I can appreciate his situation, just not the time-frame within which it happened. I also cannot understand why he can’t extracate himself from the situation and look at the facts. But like he said, he can see it, but whether he wants to believe it is another thing. Poor man. Caught in such a sucky situation.

Also, J nicely rubbed in how old we’re becoming. Each relationship lost is no longer just a love lost. Its time wasted. Precious time that we’ll never get back. Personally, I think its a good thing that J found out so fast that there were issues in there that he could not comprehend. That is enough to let him know that the femme fatale has too many layers. too much complication. Yes, you might want to peel of the layers. It’s appealing at first. But with too many layers, it eventually becomes tiring and nothing more. The best girls are the once that are open and, maybe a few layers, but not so many that you cannot figure out what they are thinking. J, this one, too many brudder.

I don’t want to be heartless, but J you need to start being less emo and more well b*&ta*dly.

Anyway, you know what to do brother, you’re a grown man.

Wanted to give you hug… but then, worried my perfect pair would get squashed with your now rippling chest Hubba hubba….