Healthy and Deprived….

Watched Oprah. 5 episodes back to back…

The connecting factor running through all five topics – health and living healthy.. perhaps possibly, extending your life expectancy.

 

But the thought running thru my very Indian, very drunk mind is that … hey you know if i give up fried food, alcohol, my stressful job.. then why would I want to live longer…. I would have nothing to do… 

 

I’d be eating rabbit food every day… drinking liquified rabbit food and water, exercise, without any pleasure and well, sitting around doing nothing..

 

Now, why would I want to live longer if I cant have wild sex, drink alcohol all day long and eat my fried chicken wings…life would be such a long drawn out bore…

 

On the other hand, if I could live longer and be able to do all that I enjoy, that would also be good. George Burns drank whiskey, smoked cigars and had all the ladies… I could have all the men… Yahoo!! That would be good….

 

In further news…. 

I think I need a partner to go with me to Malacca…. any takers.. 1 big king size bed…. hubba hubba…

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change is in the air… not…

Some things will never, ever ever change. An old dog never changes its tricks, blue cheese will always stink and indians will always be the best drinkers around.. no, some things will never change.

Despite repeated promises of reform, upgrading, change, a new beginning, you will, undoubtedly, find yourself at the very point where you were just before the promise of change, wondering, for the umpteenth time, why you waited around for the promise of a change that will never take root.

Does change take time? maybe so, but will there be change, if, just after the promise of it, the old patterns, the old ways, the old habits show their ugly head? only now, they come with an acknowledgment that, yes a promise was made, but just one more time… why not start now, instead of using one more “get out of jail” card? why destroy the faith and belief in that promise that could have carried you further, brought hope… peace even….

Some things will never change, no matter how hard you push. is the option then, to live with it? or to leave it and never look back on the fabled harbringer of change?

A long time coming….

Almost 3 months…. Suddenly realised that I haven’t been doing a lot of things in a while…. like writing here, running, being a nice person….

Caught in a dilemma now.. think its bad karma passed on from someone I know…. twice its happened. In any case, now that the bad karma is here, I have to figure out how to deal with it on my own. I’m hoping it will work out. Been seeking a lot of advice and a lot of pple are telling me to… beware, leave, consider leaving, lay an ultimatum abd be prepared to leave… The general idea is, if its not working, its not worth fixing.

 Now, I don’t know if all I have is a proton saga or a audi tt. I have to decide what I have before I even decide if its worth fixing. At this stage, I myself have no idea. So that is what I need to find out.

 This is too crpytic and too vague to be understood.. sigh….

Bells a-ringing…. the bride is coming….

In the space of one weekend, I found out that 3 of my friends are getting married …. 2 are getting married next year in June. They’re all planning their weddings, decorating their houses, etc…

I’m happy for them. I’m glad to see that life is moving on for some people…

the disappointments never cease…

Yes, basket, here we fucking go again….

 J’s right. What the fuck am i holding on to? one day I’m happy. one day i’m sad… happy, sad…. fucking roller coaster ride… as J would say “na bei”…..

 something’s happening soon, something that I am really excited about… i want him to be there, to support me. yet, he’s “torn”.. you see, he can’t come because he only has one or two days leave left.. he spent most of it holidaying with his family in canada… a family that does not even know i exist.. and if they know, they pretend not to know i exist, because well, let’s face it, i’m not the right fucking race i think…..

anyway, he is torn because he wants to go back and spend the festive time with his family… am i being unreasonable? you think so? let me just tell you this….i have not asked anything of him in all the two years we’ve been together…. never ever have i asked him to give up something for me. i have not asked him to buy me anything, though i have bought him l0ts. i have not imposed conditions on him, even though i can think of a few thousand fucking things that i could impose conditions on….

 all i ask now… the first time i’m ever asking him for something where he has to make a sacrifice for me (small feat considering how many i’ve made for him!!)… all i ask is that he come for that thing i am so excited about. why cant he just choose me once… just once.

I really don’t know what I am in this for… feels like i’m being pulled down by a heavy weight….. fuck….

fool…

I’ve been in love so many times, thought I knew the score. But now you’ve treated me so wrong, I can’t take anymore… And it looks like, I’m never going to fall in love again….

 I’ve been a fool so many times. Somehow the words of a Tom Jones song just keep coming into my head. How poignant.

 His words keep reveberating in my brain….

“I’m only dating her, I’m not going to marry her. If I was going to marry her, it’d be different.”

I could not believe my ears, what I was hearing. At that moment, everything, in my mind at least, stood still. My heart stopped, tears were forming… But I could not cry, I could not react. All I could do was smile. We were with friends. I’m suppposed to be the nonchalant type. Nothing’s suppposed to be able to throw a wrench into my gears. And yet, I couldnt think. I could hardly breathe. Why did it affect me so much? I’ve always, always said I’m not ready. But that moment, I realised I was. I’ve been ready for so long. To meet his family, to wake up next to him in the morning, to be by his side at night when he falls asleep, to be there with his coffee when he comes out of the shower in the morning. And it wasn’t just that. I was ready for all of it. The good and the bad. I knew I was ready to be by his side when there were problems.

I must have opened myself up too much. Let my heart go too easily. I tend to do that. I’m too trusting, too naive. One of my friends said to me once, “I’m not sure he’s entirely good for you… but then, I’m not sure you’ll be happier without him.” That’s been my thought for so long, but someone finally said it.

We have an open relationship… but if he were going to marry me, it would be different apparently. He’d care more I guess. Once, in a drunken stupor, I kissed another guy. It bugged me and I had to tell him. But it didn’t faze him at all. He was “ok” with it. How can you be ok with it? Not jealous, not annoyed, not angry? Of course.. IF he was going to marry me, then he’d be jealous? I’m not sure anymore…

 What I do know is this…

I’ve never met his family. He’s already a small part of mine.

I get upset if he held another girl in his arms… He doesn’t really care if I kiss someone else.

I celebrate his birthday. He almost forgot mine.

If I know I’m going to see him, I arrange my schedule accordingly. Even if he’s made plans with me, he’d still ditch them if something better came along.

I’d spend my last cent on him if it would make him happy. He’d hold his last hundred, even if I said I had nothing left.

Like I said, I’ve been a fool. But I’ve fallen so deep, I don’t think I can come out on my own now.

Whatta man …part 2

More tributes, albeit older ones, to you teddy bear….

he takes the good and the bad

the perfect man

  • I’m listening to….

    Tom Jones - Greatest Hits. Sex Bomb, sex bomb.... Hey I wanted to marry him when I was ALOT younger. Now, no la. Got my very hot, very sexy boyfriend.
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  • From a long time ago